R.

I can feel the way others think about me and I believe it. I can hear their thoughts, I can see myself the way they do. It’s easy and wonderful when it’s good. When they see me as weak, or broken, or too skinny or too sensitive or too whatever I feel it in my heart

I want to be strong even when I feel that

Inside I want to hide and protect myself from feeling that because my self-worth is not rooted deeply enough to hold on to what’s true

It feels so repulsive to me to think that’s happening inside me. It’s easier to pretend I’m bulletproof and I don’t give a shit about what people think but I do

I want to love myself even when others don’t. I want to know my worth and celebrate me and build a passionate relationship with myself that’s unconditional and kind.

I am always trying to be enough to get what I need in the world but I neglect my own needs and my passion and my sense of knowing what’s right for me and who I am when I’m not modifying myself or trying to win hearts and minds for some kind of satisfaction and sense of belonging and connection

I have to connect with myself

I’m never going to be enough if I value myself based on how others see me

I can’t control how others see me

People have opinions and I can’t control that or change it. I can only control my inner fortress

Which is probably constructed entirely of blankets between couches

I have to remind myself that I am enough

I have to stop choosing to receive others’ thoughts and feelings when I don’t like them

I have to stop using my consciousness to reach into those thoughts and feelings and noticing them or being curious about them because that’s when I get hurt

I have to be more interested in my own thoughts and feelings and focus on those and to hell with the rest of it and the opinions

There will always be opinions

There will always be people who don’t like what I do or who I am or the way I look or whatever

I can choose to tune these out and be more interested in myself. What I love about me. What I’m stubbornly committed to in my life. What lights me up. My love for who I am should not be a negotiation or a conversation with their thoughts and opinions and likes and dislikes or a game to optimize their approval

It should be a declaration

It should be unashamed and selfish

It should be powerful and unconditional

My love for myself should be unconditional

That means extending compassion and love to myself when I fuck up or I’m criticized

When people have negativity around me and my thoughts and words and actions, to focus on why I did it, loving myself the way I wish to be loved by others, and then being more loving to others in response instead of getting cold, closed, spiteful or angry

Learning and growing not as a form of masochism and perfectionism but as a way to understand how to love myself and others more deeply, and be more compassionate and light in the world

There is so much left to do

it’s not a relationship you want

it’s yourself

but i still chase myself in men

it’s the game of love that’s addicting

it’s seeing myself through his eyes

the way i can’t see myself

i’ve discovered that i am deeply sensitive

i crave acceptance because i have never accepted myself

this makes me weak and my boundaries bad

this makes me feel shame for giving in in places i never should

i’m working on that

being an adult is weird because you think you should have it figured out like grown ups do

except you definitely don’t have it figured out

and the stakes for fucking up are so high now

i crave intimacy with another being that’s real and intensely deep and carnal and passionate and also sensitive

the most extreme ranges of human expression

as subtle as energy passing without touching

as overwhelming as that primal oblivion

of need, and oneness

i don’t think i’m ready for it yet

relationships consume me

i get lost

i need to love myself

impress myself

feel my magnetism as a woman

force of nature

i was on the train today and felt this orgasmic energy explode through me while i was meditating

i could feel this powerful appreciation for my body, my femininity, my magnetism, my sexuality

i gave my energy to different men on the train, like letting my consciousness tease them, and inviting them to play this game with me

and each time he could feel it, looked over, and i play my part of the game, magnetic. and i feel him, his power as a man. this is a very cool thing.

i am so in love with the male energy.

sometimes being looked at by a man is all i need to feel myself and be satisfied, the experience, the energy exchange

i love the language spoken without words

something delicious about restraint

energetic restraint

because energy is authentic

it can only be honest

feeling the current between and letting it exist without acting on anything, i think that’s what we all want

giving into it makes it like everything else, temporary.

playing with it, building it, it becomes something.

the connection between two souls

it becomes alive, and you feel it

and it’s heady

but that’s just a part of a whole

there can be so much heart and feeling and sensitivity

like treasuring something deep and honest

like a form of worship for their power and their maleness, and them for me

it’s like communion

it’s like god

it’s like becoming one in two bodies

just in feeling that touch

feeling the gentleness and the power and the connection and the intensity and holding it until you can’t take it anymore

and letting it rip through you, and the intensity of that

that’s what i miss. and what i crave.

i don’t know if i can give that to myself.

i don’t want to validate myself to receive that from a man. or try to win any games. or be with the wrong person and be disappointed.

the only way for me to have this and not get hurt is to be with myself. to play inside myself and wait. and notice. and let myself be free from the desire. and the seeking. i hate the way need makes me feel. it’s weak. i think it is.